Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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