theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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