Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize