After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
