did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
foreskin is a definite game changer
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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