I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just want to make out with him forever
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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