So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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