dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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