if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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