just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
