So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
