Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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