I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
