It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
