What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
