Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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