Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
