so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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