then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
They took my balls.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
