I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
