I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
