if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
