if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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