can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
