Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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