Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
