and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
