I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
