I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
