Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
