theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
