I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
