You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
