I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
