oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
don't judge my taste in strippers
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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