Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
