There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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