So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
