There is no way he is gay with that hair.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
