I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
