New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
