We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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