I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
