I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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