Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
is wine microwaveable?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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