Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
