so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
