I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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