how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
