As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Houston, we have a squirter
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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